Divorce mediation is for married people who want to get divorced. Instead of each of them going to their individual lawyers to work out their separation and divorce agreement, they both meet with a mediator to make their decisions. With the mediator, they produce a document called the Memorandum of Understanding, which outlines all matters on which they need to agree before the divorce proceedings begin. Division of property and the children are prominent among the issues addressed in this Memorandum.

Who typically chooses Mediation?

There is no "typical profile" of those couples who choose to mediate — more important is their attitude. Those who choose to mediate are usually motivated by a desire to be fair, and to make their decisions together with a minimum of conflict. The process saves time and money. Most are also concerned about their children, and know that less conflict between the parents during the divorce process makes it less difficult for the children. A couple need not be separated in order to be candidates for divorce mediation.

Mediation is more a state of mind than a set of criteria which must be met. A couple has to be on speaking terms, trust each other to a large degree, be flexible, and relatively free of pre-conceived ideas about the outcome.

Why Mediate?

Mediating takes less time, is more cost-effective, reduces stress on a couple, and can shield their children from tension that is often experienced by children whose parents are divorcing. Couples who mediate maintain control over the decisions they are making. By working together to plan for their futures as individuals, their differences are resolved amicably and with dignity. They are choosing reasonableness over bickering, mutuality over arguing, and control over decisions affecting their lives and their children for many years. Couples who choose mediation don't want to be adversaries, and are concerned about the impact a long and/or bitter legal battle could have on themselves and their children.

What qualities should you look for in a mediator?

It is appropriate to ask about training and experience when you contact a mediator. A professional divorce mediator has had training in divorce mediation and should also have many years of experience in divorce mediation. While there are weekend divorce mediation classes available, you should seek out a mediator who has had at least a week long intensive training course with a nationally recognized mediation organization. These courses are available to psychotherapists and counselors, social workers, pastors, lawyers and other professionals.

You will be working closely with yom mediator and making decisions that will affect you and your family for many years Both of you must be comfortable not only with the mediator's professional qualifications, but also with his or her communication skills, sense of fairness, and desire to respect each of your needs and desires. You should be able to get a good idea about your comfort with the mediator during initial phone conversations. Before you make the final decision to mediate, a conscientious mediator will offer an opportunity for the three of you to meet. At this time, the concepts of mediation will be explained in more detail and you have an opportunity to ask questions. Importantly, the mediator will be able to ascertain if you are good candidates for mediation.

How long does mediation take? How much does it cost?

Typically, you will accomplish the goal of mediation (resolution of all the matters included in the Memorandum of Understanding) in three sessions of up to three hours each. You will be charged a fixed fee, rather than by the hour. The most effective mediations are accomplished during a specific number of sessions rather than being open ended. Couples will be more motivated to come to decisions if they have a predetermined amount of time in which to do so. In rare cases there may be the need for an additional session.

You may wish to ask your prospective mediator about his or her past success rate in concluding agreements for others.

What is the role of the divorce mediator?

A mediator is skilled in helping you reach agreement on issues that my otherwise be difficult to resolve, providing a framework for you to make decisions affecting your future lives, as well as the lives of your children. S/he does not represent either of you, but is committed to facilitating a settlement with which each of you will be comfortable. The mediator will help you identify those areas about which you agree, and will provide you with the ability and means to resolve those issues about which you do not agree.

The mediator will share successful results from past circumstances, but will be flexible and open to your individual situation, allowing for creativity as you come to your own agreements. The result will be an agreement that you can accept, that you feel is fair, and that is reasonably comfortable for you both.

What is it that the mediator cannot do?

Even though most mediator$ are counselors who use these skills to help you come to agreements, mediation is not for airing marital conflicts, nor should mediators give you legal advice. At the same time, an attorney who may be a mediator should not instruct you about what you "must do according to the law," except for certain aspects of the actual divorce proceeding. One of the important concepts of mediation is that it is flexible and allows for individual differences and creative opportunities.

You should not feel that the mediator is imposing his or her views on you. In the rare event that there is a significant difference of opinion between yourselves and the mediator, an addendum to that effect may be added to the agreement.

What is the role of lawyers mediation?

There are some mediators who are lawyers, however, most likely your mediator will be a psychotherapist You will need an attorney to file your legal divorce documents at the Courthouse. Your mediator will urge each of you to take a copy of the completed Memorandum of Understanding (the document that reflects your agreements) to your individual lawyers to review it with you. Your mediator should supply you with a list of names of attorneys who are familiar with the mediation process.

How does mediation impact children?

There is considerable research indicating that parents who have more difficulties during the divorce process find their children often negatively affected by the divorce. When couples choose to mediate, the process goes more quickly and smoothly, tension and conflict are managed more positively, thus minimizing the possible adverse impact on the children. Most often, the section in your Memorandum of Understanding outline provisions for your children will be the longest, most thorough discussion in the entire document. It is not likely that your children will be involved in the decision-making process of the mediation. It is important to keep in mind that both of you will always be the parents of your children, and that choosing to mediate allows the parent partnership theory of marriage to be extended into the post-marriage relationship.

What exactly is a 'Memorandum of Understanding'? Is it legal?

The Memorandum of Understanding is the document that reflects all the agreements that you have made during the mediation process. There are about a dozen different sections of the Memorandum, including your financial and property decisions, primary residence and access to the children. In mediation, we avoid such language as "whereas," "custody," "party," and "visitation." Interestingly, the document is written in the first person (i.e." We have no outstanding credit card debt. All credit card accounts are closed ") No document is absolutely binding and without recourse. However, divorcing couples choosing mediation make their decisions together, and since no one imposes any of the terms of the agreement on either of you, your Memorandum will less likely be challenged later by either of you. If there arises a question in the future regarding the decisions made during the mediation process, most couples work out the changes themselves, having learned how to mediate.

What do we do after we've completed the mediation process and produced our memorandum?

Each of you should take your copy of the Memorandum to your attorney. Your mediator can provide names of attorneys with whom s/he bas worked who are familiar with mediation.

One of you must file for a divorce. Depending on the state in which you file" there may be a waiting period between filing and the judge's final decree. In Pennsylvania,. that waiting period is three months. The final divorce decree will be issued in about four or five months.